Lithium and laptops

I have a terrible habit of unknowingly suppressing emotion until it explodes inside of me. Then I'm left feeling depressed and hurt over things that happened months ago.

"I wanna stay in love with my sorrow,
But, God, I wanna let it go."

Sometimes, I think songwriters that I've never met understand me better than I do lol. Well, I'm sure that no one wants to hear me whine about things that happened in April, so lets change the subject.

School is starting on Tuesday, and I MIGHT have a reliable source of money starting September. $15 to watch a kid three days a week. It's better than nothing, right? I could put that money towards a laptop, which I desperately need. I can no longer stand sharing a computer with my mother... privacy is something that's important to me. Don't worry, I don't have disturbing files on this computer, but I hate having her breathe down my neck. The computer is in her room too, so she usually kicks me out when I'm right in the middle of something. Even if that something is writing. "You have pencils and paper, Julianna. You can use those." *rolls eyes* I dislike writing with pencils and paper because I hate my own hand writing (seriously, it looks like I tried writing with my feet) and it's just easier to do it on a computer. You don't have to scratch things out or have to worry about eraser marks getting stuck to your clothing.




Anyway, back to laptops. A Dell Precision M4600 would be amazing, but the starting price is around 1,700... by the time I get that kind of money, they'll have an improved (and more expensive) model on the market. So I guess I'll have to go with this: Asus K53


 

HURR DURR NRA DURRR

I'm back... again. Sorry for not posting much, but I was stupid and forgot the fact that I had a blog. HURR DURR.


I was in Wisconsin all weekend for an orchestra retreat. The music I had to play for my quintet was so incredibly awful. For me, anyway. There was nothing melodic about my piece. At all. I understand that cello is nice and bassy, and perfect as a solid foundation... but damn it, Mozart. You could have at least written Diveritimento with a bit more melody for the cello/bass part. I was dying while I was playing... even on stage. The rest of the retreat was amazing and my group was hilarious. They put three redheads in the same hotel room... and the one girl who wasn't a "ginger" was complaining about having so much red hair in the shower drain. Ooops.

Oh, and an old friend of mine from Jr. High went on the retreat. It was exciting for both of us, because the last time we saw each other was December during the orchestra festival... and even then, we could only talk for a few brief moments. She kind of disturbed me... because she used to be a hardcore Democrat, but now she's a Libertarian? LOL, how does that happen? I was preached at about 2nd Amendment rights the whole first day... I eventually snapped when we were out for a snack at Culvers, and said to her face that most Libertarians are idiots (which is not like me at all, and I felt bad the next day lol... but it's kinda the truth). We then screamed at each other about politics, blissfully unaware that everyone was watching us. My oh my, have those nut jobs gotten to her... she sounds just like someone from the NRA.

I need to stop putting so many things into one post

Obviously, I haven't blogged in awhile. I wish I could day that it's because my life has been busy, but it hasn't been... just stressful. I don't want to go into too much detail.

So, I've been having these weird stomach cramps. It started on Wednesday during class. I didn't eat anything that could be bad for me the day before, and I barely had anything to eat that morning. The teacher was going over some stuff, and then my insides just decided to turn themselves into a knot. No, it wasn't menstrual cramps... trust me, I know it wasn't. I went on for an hour and a half, then it stopped and I didn't feel it again for the rest of the day... but I felt weird, like anything I ate would make me puke. And it's been going on every day since then. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant... I think I would remember losing my virginity. Could I be dying? I wouldn't mind that... that means I don't have to put up with humans anymore.

I'm going on a three-day chamber music trip to Whitewater again this year. I got my packet for it a few days ago and only three people I know are going. That means I have to be friendly with strangers... *shudders* Last year it was most definitely a step out of my comfort zone, but it was very rewarding in the end. I hope it will be like that this year. My music is fairly easy, but long... so many 8th notes. The rhythms will give me the most trouble, but nothing practice won't fix. I'm in a chamber group with two violins, a viola and a bass. Yesss!! I'm playing with a bass!! Woot woot!! I appreciate good bass players. If I can find a link to the music, I'll post it.

Hopefully, I will go to see the last HP movie soon. And my childhood will officially end.

SHS

I'm listening to Enya at the moment. I don't know why, but her music always makes me hate reality.

So, I'm taking a math course at SHS because I wasn't happy with my 2nd semester grade for Algebra. This was my first time being in SHS and was arguably the longest day of my life. It's so big and the rooms are unorganized and everything smelled like chlorine. I go to HEHS, and going there is like going to school in a box. Everything is stacked on top of each other and, even if you're new there, it's very easy to find something without asking for directions. SHS is just confusing and doesn't follow any particular pattern. It's a lot prettier than HEHS though... inside and out.

The worst part was that I didn't know anyone there. There were some people I recognized, but no one I could run over to and act like I was their friend, just for the sake of blending in. The teacher is nice enough, but it was obvious that she was just teaching for the money and didn't really want to be there. Neither did I, which probably means we'll get along alright. 

My ugliness

Someone I'm close to (or used to be, at any rate) whose going through what I consider a depression, told me a few days ago that he can see the ugliness in everyone. So I asked him "well, what's my ugliness?"

His answer was pride. He told me that everything I do is to show off, to make myself a center of attention. Being vegetarian, being Wiccan, being vocal about politics... in his eyes, I only do it for attention. This tells me just how much people misunderstand me. People who barely know me don't give me much attention, because they think I don't want it... people that I really open up to say I'm just constantly seeking. Neither is the case. Attention is nice, I won't deny that... but I don't constantly seek it either. I don't hide what I am for attention, I just want people to see me as me... the real me.

About the pride part... yes, I am very prideful. Not about what I do, but rather who I am and the freedom to be that person. Is that such a bad thing?

My real ugliness isn't pride. No, it's envy. Not just jealousy, down right envy... hatred of someone because they posses something I don't. I don't mean petty possessions, I could care less about those. I mean talents and personalities and lives. There are talents that I would die for, and lives that I would kill to have.     

I'm a fish

I'm "working" on my stock project again. Muahahaha.

I played my cello for the first time in three weeks and I got a blister from it. The reason why I couldn't play it is because I had to wait to take it in for repairs... again. It's not even my fault, it's the friggin pegs that don't want to stay. And my hand hurts because I lost some of the muscle memory I had, as well as my callouses.

I'll probably go to the pool after school today... if my swimsuit still fits me. I've lost some weight, so I dunno... hopefully it does so I don't have to buy a new one. You know what's funny? I LOVE swimming and being in the water, but I hated the swim unit for P.E. The water is my happy place, and when a guy is yelling at me and telling me what to do, mentally I'm saying "omgf go die in a hole, let me do what I want." Especially when that guy is yelling about swimming four laps around the pool. Then I go into a mental rage. Anyway, it's a perfect day for swimming. I'm actually wearing shorts in public. That's how warm it is.

Sarah Palin Jr.

Today has been bizarre.

I was in a strange mood when I woke up today. Like... I was tired, and wanted to sleep, but at the same time I didn't want to be in bed and I wanted to go for a walk. School dragged by very slowly. We have our study guides for our final (eeesh, I can't believe it's already here) and we're going over them in class, so that means I have no homework. I've been having a strange argument with a friend of mine for about three days or so... I don't want to go into details.

I babysat today... and the kid kept throwing books in my lap and demanded that I read them, then she picked them up, ran off, ran laps around the couch, got the books, and the cycle repeated itself. I was hoping she would fall asleep and leave me alone, but I wasn't that lucky. I don't mind kids... I think they're adorable, but I don't trust myself around them and I can only stand them for so long. Also, the kid's mother is going out of town for a few months, and offered me a bunch of money if I take care of her dogs while she's away. I'm much better with dogs than I am with children (and adults), so I would be happy to.

Oh, and Michele Bachman is running for president. Can you believe it? Sarah Palin Jr wants to be president. And Sarah Palin is still thinking about running. Don't worry about it sweetheart... it's not like you're going to win anyway.

LMAO... what if the Republican Party candidates boil down to just Bachman and Palin? Oh gawd, that would be hilarious. I would pay lots of cash to see them in a political debate against each other. The only real differences between them is that Palin is from Alaska and Bachman can actually name a newspaper... I think.

So very, very bored...

I'm sitting in the computer lab at my school at the moment, being bored. We're supposed to be working on our stock projects... but I'm done for the day so I have nothing to do while the teacher is also messing around on the computer. It's funny, no one is working on anything academic.

The down side to having your hair cut really short: your neck is always cold.

I've been looking at publishing agents... which is funny, because I haven't completed anything worth sending in to one. I have started a novel though... but it's still very rough and unpresentable. Maybe, just maybe, I might actually finish this one. As much as I write, I've never stuck with a novel to the very end. The day I finish a novel will be the day the world ends...

Chanters = Epicness

I must be cursed... these past two days have hell for me.

My e-mail was hacked and I lost $20 that was in my pocket when I went to buy milk and eggs for my mom. Ugh... I hate to think what tomorrow will be like.

I ditched PWI because the music was driving me insane, and I decided to play Aion until my subscription runs out. I'm starting fresh on a new server... because Zikel is a terrible server and all of the Asmos are lazy bums who have lame excuses for not attending sieges. Aion is built for PvP... you shouldn't be afraid of sieges, otherwise, you're better off playing a different game. I'm on Vaziel now, since some people spoke so highly of it. My chanter's name is... Ladynaga. It's a shame that some people don't get both references.

Unlike the current PWI, Aion has beautiful music. My favorite song would have to be Song of Moonlight:

I can't wait to do Kromede's Trail again... that quest is so amazing. It took me over and hour to complete on my old sorcerer, and it'll probably take even long on my chanter, but I still look forward to it. It has an amazing plot. You spent so much time hating Kromede in Fire Temple, because she's so damn strong... but then you learn her story. What's amazing is that during the quest, it's like you're having this dream where you actually are Kromede.

RIP little piggy...

I have a busy day today, which is unfortunate, because I'm so incredibly tired.

So, I'm going to the library to hopefully hunt down a copy of The Crucible. I have to read that before Sophmore year offically starts... I thought it would be about the Burning Times when I first heard the title and thought "oh wow, this should be interesting." But then my mom told me it's about family values... and I felt like vomitting on the carpet because is sounded incredibly boring. A friend of mine who started reading the book says that it talks about witchcraft, so that lifted my spirits a bit... it seems like every person I talk to about the book has something different to say and I don't know who to believe.

Lets see... I'm getting new shoes today, since the pair that I'm wearig is about ready to fall apart and the rest of them don't really fit me anymore. I'm also getting my hair cut and I'm eating out with my mom.

Yesterday... I accidently ate bacon. My mom got some food from Panera Bread and got me what I usually ate there... a turkey sandwich. I refused to eat it, but she just shrugged and said "fine, then you can go hungry today," so I ended up eating it anyway. She's been very concerned about my health lately... so that's why she bought me something with meat in it. She forgot to tell them not to put any bacon in the sandwich, so I had to pick it out. I thought I picked out all of the bacon, but there was still some left... I took a bite and thought "wow, this tastes odd..." (I didn't have bacon for about a year before hand) and then looked in the sandwich and realized I didn't take all of it out. Since it was such a small amount, it didn't make me sick... but I felt really bad about it and my stomach started cramping. I felt bad about eating the turkey too. Damn it, I STILL feel bad about it.

These past couple of days...

I found a local metaphysical store... or rather, by mom found it and told me about it. I bought a bunch of incense and some goddess cards. They had a tiny cauldron that was absolutely adorable, buuut it looks like I have to save my money lol. And they had SO MANY TAROT DECKS!! I was amazed at the selection they had in such a tiny little store. They also have some books about Buddhism and Hinduism... and some very expensive eastern statues. Oh, and crystals... shiny crystals... there's a reason why I don't have that many around, because I can stare at them for hours... because they're so shiny. What? I don't think I'm insane...

So, some violent storms swept through the area last night. It was fantastic in such a terrible way. The sky was incredibly dark and the wind was howling. Thankfully, we didn't get much damage out here... but a lot of people are without power, including a few kids in my Consumers Ed class. My mom locked me in the bathroom with the cat and dog while it was going on. We both felt really silly when it passed, and we poked around outside to see that no damage had been done, except for a few stray branches and leaves.  

Oh, and once again, I have a cold... well, I'm not sure if it's a cold. It may be my allergies, which would be very odd. I didn't have a problem with them last year at all. I missed class yesterday too, because I slept through my alarm clock... I was just too exhausted to get out of bed.

I'll miss you...

I think my heart will split in two. My childhood is ending, ending, ending... I can feel it slipping away with every second that ticks by. Why, you ask? Why is this happening to me? Let me show you...

Oh, the scene with Lily and Harry at the beginning... gawd, I had to try so hard to keep myself from crying. This story was my childhood. Part of it died when I read the last line of book 7. It will die completely on the epilog of movie 7 pt 2. Harry... he's gone so far. He was a thought in Rowling's head on a train, and now... he's a character beloved by millions. He, and his creator, will go down in history as the childhood of most of a generation.

UN Owen Was Her?

Anyone who can play this... IS A LIVING GOD!!!

My Consumer's Ed class is... strange. We talked about the economy... and the national debt... and China... and Greece... and some other stuff... Just not your typical "OMG don't use credit cards!! nuuuu!!"

Yeah, not much to say today. My ritual was cancelled due to rain. Speaking of rain, I had to stand out in it for half an hour while I waited for the bus. My pants were soaked and my feet were wet the whole day. It was awful.

10 of my favorite songs

Once again, not in any particular order...

Tam Lin - Tricky Pixie

"Father, if I be with child,
'twill prove a wondrous birth
for well I swear it's not the get
of any mortal man on earth."

Your Star - Evanescence

"Nothing worth fighting for
We're wandering now
All in parts and pieces, swim lonely
Find your own way out"
Crownless - Nightwish

"Mine is the Earth and the sword in the stone
Mine is the throne for the idol
One fleeting moment and it is all gone"

Re-Education (Through Labor) - Rise Against

"I won't crawl on my knees for you
I won't believe the lies that hide the truth
I won't sweat one more drop for you"

Alive! - Omnia

"Hot like the sun
Wet like the rain
Green like the leaves
Life is a game"

Fully Alive - Flyleaf

"Fully alive,
More than most
Ready to smile
And love life."

White Flag Warrior - Flobots feat. Tim Mcllrath

"We'd rather make our children
(We request to negotiate)
Martyrs then Murderers
(We come to you unarmed)
We'd rather make our children
(We desire to communicate)
White Flag Warriors!!" 

My Last Breath - Evanescence

"Closing your eyes to disappear
You pray your dreams will leave you here
But still you wake and know the truth
No one's there"

All I Need - Within Temptation

"Don't tear me down
For all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe"

Broken Moon

Zenyatta!!!

I want to be a jockey now... this looks awesome:

I miss horses so, so much... I used to horseback ride, but I can't afford lessons anymore. I also used to volunteer at the stables, too. The people I worked for were complete bitches... they sat in the air conditioned office while we worked out in the hot sun. It was worth it, though. I just loved being around the horses... there was this one mare named Lady who would use my head as a chin rest... she was so funny. And there was a gelding named Seymour who was terrible with pretty much every rider except me.  

Freshman Year

Yus, two posts in one day. I'm SO productive.

I guess that since my Freshman year is officially over now (that means I have to start calling myself a Sophomore now... that feels so awkward) I should put down some of my best memories from this year... to be honest, there aren't that many.
   

• The awards ceremony on the last day of Orchestra. I won three of them... "Funniest Person" (how on earth did that happen?) "Best Artist" and "Most likely to succeed" (that made me laugh). Also, one of the girls got "Best Country Accent". As she stormed up to get her award, she yelled "I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT!!" in a slightly obvious southern twang. 

• My CSO trip. Good Italian food, making an idiot of myself in Millennium Park, failing with a friend of mine in some grass, good music, and returning home with a good excuse to not do my English homework.

• Homecoming game. I was sitting with my friends in some grass, and this dude walks over and puts his arm around me. I glare at him and say "dude, I've never seen you before in my life." and he walks away with a lobster red face. We were giggling about it for the remainder of the game. I also told them some horror stories... we left before the game actually ended, because we were getting our asses kicked. Hard. 

•  Holiday party 2B before Winter Break. I got a sugar high in public. If you haven't seen me with a sugar high, be thankful that you haven't.

• NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). You basically try to write a 50k word story in a month. I didn't make it, but my friend Hillary and I went to some write-ins at Borders and it was amazing. 

• Surprisingly, my birthday. My birthdays usually suck and I always end up with a nasty cold. That day wasn't an exception... the cold part, anyway. I couldn't go two minutes without having to wipe off the snot that was pouring from my nose like a faucet. My mom wanted to take me to this new restaurant, but we couldn't find it. So, we showed up at Olive Garden severely under dressed. The food was great. Then we went to a small concert at Harper collage. Two classical guitarists were playing and they were so fun to listen to. I returned home with a 101 fever and my speech was barely legible behind the snot and sore throat.  

•  Poetry Slam. Some of the kids at my school are amazingly talented... listening to their poems was very enjoyable. 

Yeah, that's it... Freshman year wasn't so bad. It was better than 8th grade at least... and that was arguably the worst year of my life. 

NERD RAGE

So, I've started playing PWI again. They have a new race and two new classes now, but I had no interest in trying them. I went back to my old Venomancer.

 

Yeah, apparently they're giving away epic gear now... but it only lasts for 19 days. What's the point of that? You get used to having a good defense (except for me... cuz I'm a squishy) and then it just disappears. "Oh, sorry, you have to buy new gear now... buy some random items that you have to buy with real money from our item mall, and sell them for ridiculously high prices... so you can afford to craft gear that's just as good..." ... Nevermind, I see the point now.   

THEY CHANGED ALL OF THE MUSIC NOW. GARRRR. 

It used a variety of songs that were mysterious and epic... now it's just the same annoying song over, and over, and over, and over... everywhere you go, it's the same song. 

I understand that games need to make progress... but I really, really miss the original version... when there were three races and six classes. THAT was what I fell in love with (but then I found out about Rohan and I was like "ha, screw this"). The Tideborn look a bit lame and the trailer for their patch scared me. The Earthguard look pretty cool, and the Genesis trailer was epic... but I don't feel that they bring anything valuable to the story. The existence of the Tideborn and Earthguard just ruin the original story. Pangu made THREE races... not six, THREE. 

Don't mind my nerd-raging xD

 

.... gawd, I miss that music so much

7 of my favorite music videos

They're not in any particular order, btw.

Ready To Fall - Rise Against

"Every action has a reaction. We have one planet, and one chance"

"The measure of society can be how well its people treat its animals" ~ Gandhi

Handlebars - Flobots

"Dictatorship naturally rises out of democracy, and the most aggravated form of tyranny and slavery out of the most extreme liberty" ~ Plato

Good Enough - Evanescence

"When you go through a tragedy, you can either let that destroy you and you become bitter and never let that go, or you can let it make you stronger and let it make you grow. And that's what I did." ~ Amy Lee

Help Is On The Way - Rise Against

I don't really have a quote for this one... it's just an amazing video

Don't Stop - Innerpartysystem

"What is fame? The advantage of being known by people of whom you yourself know nothing, and for whom you care as little." ~ Lord Byron 

Utopia - Within Temptation

"Man is the only creature that refuses to be what he is." ~ Albert Camus

Hero Of War - Rise Against

"The tragedy of war is that it uses man's best to do man's worst." ~ Harry Emerson Fosdick 

Make up your mind, Nature...

GAAAAHHH!! I can't take the weather any more!! First it was unseasonably cold for about a week, then it was unseasonably hot... now it's back to unseasonably cold again. My computer says it's 51 outside. Yesterday, it was in the 80's. *facedesk*

My English final sucked because it was too easy, which probably means I failed it. My Algebra final sucked because it confused me, which probably means I passed with flying colors. Tomorrow I have my World History final, and then I'm free of school until Wednesday.


Still haven't been doing that much writing lately... that needs to change.

Art teachers are scary...

First day of finals. I didn't have one 1st block... I could've slept in, but we don't have a working car and I wasn't sure if there would be a bus before 2nd block. So, I hung out in the library, studied and wasted some time on the internet. 2nd block was my Biology final... I have a feeling that I failed it. Aaaand 3rd block was my Art + Design final.

3rd block was weird. I left my independent project on the teacher's desk, and when he walked in, he looked at it and yelled "WHOSE IS THIS!!".

Me: "Uhh... mine?"

Teacher: "... it's beautiful..."

Then everyone wanted to see it. He also kept it so he can put it on display next year. I honestly don't know what to think. Yes, I put a lot of effort into it. No, I don't think it's worthy of being put on display. But oh well, I guess it was worth something, since my Art teacher is very hard to please.

Death is a bitch... a stupid, stupid bitch

I've been under a lot of stress lately, so I've been shying away from the sad and depressing things I usually involve myself with, and surround myself with happy things... or, things I could consider to be happy. Gloating about how superior Harry Potter is to Twilight happens to be one of them.

I also haven't gotten that much writing done, which I need to do... I promised my small circle of readers on ff.net that I'll post weekly now.

My sad, sad mind has been hanging on to one depressing thought lately, though. And that would be war.

Some of them in history were, in fact, necessary. The French and American Revolutions and some of the battles in WW2... but silly things like Vietnam, Iraq and who knows how many old wars fought purely over territory or bragging rights... that's just idiotic. Life is such a valuable thing... and we're all the same in so many ways. We all understand physical and emotional pain, and are capable of feeling it. We're all human. We all have similar needs. It goes beyond just humans, too. Animals... even trees. Not many can see or even bother to look, but with every decision we make, we impact something else. The death of one human could be the suffering of so many others. And the same applies to all living things.

THE POPCORN IS MINE!!

Twilight won the MTV movie awards. Are you effin kidding me. It was rigged!! RIGGED I TELL YOU!!

I would have been happy if Harry Potter won, but Black Swan was the one I was voting for. To those of you who haven't seen it, if you can get past the sex, it's a wonderful movie.

Oh, and little miss Kristen won Best Performance.... *facepalm* I'm not even going to comment on that, the idiocy speaks for itself. It was quite entertaining, though. First, Kristen was like:

And then Emma Watson was all:

Emma has every right to give her the evil death glare of doom. She can act rings around that chick.

MIND RAPE

Hang on... just let me get my thoughts in order here...

No... I don't have to. Just watch:

... Yes, the new IMNOTASPARKLEFAIRYIMAFRIGGINVAMPIRE movie trailer is out...

BWUAHAHAHA!!! They're trying WAY too hard.

"Oh yay!! Me and Edward are married!!" "... I'm pregnant. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!"

I have nothing against you if you like Twilight, so please don't be angry with me... but... HOW? How is that possibly entertaining? I fell asleep watching the 1st movie and I'm too terrified that my brain will be raped if I watch the other two. It's a complete disgrace to paranormal romance...

Leave at once, punny human

So, I was going to walk over to the trail by the forest preserve today. I had a water bottle and some snacks packed, and practically bathed in sunscreen (I don't tan that well... I just burn), so I was ready for a nice long walk. I walked a quarter of a mile before I was like "oh my gawd... it's so hot out here..." so I wandered in the nicely shaded areas around my apartment complex instead. I took some pretty cool pictures too. A red-winged black bird was nice enough to grace me with his presence... I must have been intruding on his territory, because he kept squawking at me and flying in circles while I was taking pictures of him. I would upload them if I could, but my computer is stoooopid and doesn't read my camera when I plug it in. 

I was able to get a little bit of meditating in, too. The black bird continued to squawk at me for half of it, which was quite distracting. When I got out my granola, a dove poked its head out of the grass and stared at me for a long time... I would have offered it some, but there was some chocolate mixed in there, and I didn't want to make it sick.

Overall, it was a nice day. I need to spend more time outdoors.

Beauty is always found within

I see beauty in things that no one else can see. Music, art, literature... and people. Especially people. The tragic thing is, though, is that they can't see it within themselves. So when I tell them what I see, they don't believe me. And when I tell them, they cover themselves in the darkest cloak of hatred and nastiness to drive me away. And I feel so... helpless... like I failed in them. I failed to help them help themselves. You have no idea how much that hurts.

I'm incredibly stressed out right now. Finals are next week and I'm NOT ready. Then, 5 days after my last exam, it's time for summer school. Why, why did I sign up for six more weeks of torture?

Stolen from dA

Name: Julie
Age: 15
Gender: Female 

A brief description about yourself? I'm just your not-so-average girl trying to live peacefully with people who are extraordinarily normal. I live in an apartment with my mom, dog (Shelby, nickname: Poochie), cat (Skitty) and hamster (Trixie). Eventually, I want to share my room with a dove. My favorite season is Summer and one day, I hope to be a published author.
 
Single/Dating/Married?
Single and proud

How did you come to start writing?
 It seems like I've always been doing it... Since I was little, I've always loved creating characters and telling stories about them. My first piece was a short story I told my mom one night about my cat Petie (I swear, that cat was my guardian angel). Later, she had me write it down and I started calling it a book. I was 4-5. I didn't even consider becoming an author until the end of 6th grade, when my teacher wrote on my report card that she knew my name would be in print someday. My 8th grade L.A. teacher convinced me that I could actually achieve that goal, so I've been working seriously with my writing for over a year now.    

Why do you still write?
 I guess it's just something that I need to do to keep me sane. Even if I didn't want to be published, I would still do it... It's too precious to call a habit or a hobby... You could say it's the best way I can express myself.

What inspires you to write?
The list is endless. Music and coffee are loyal muses to me. Observing nature and watching the world go by are also helpful. Inner demons and my personal "perfect world" often have influences.

How far have you come since you first started?
Very far lol. Thanks to certain individuals, I'm always finding room for improvement.
 
Is there a poet or writer you look up to, or base your style on? If so, who?
Yes... more than one. I look up to a few famous ones... JK Rowling (for her success and where she came from), Edgar Allen Poe (for the sheer beauty an honesty of his poems, and the dark worlds he creates in his stories) and Ann Frank. There are also friends I have friendly competitions with, which motivates me. I don't really base my style on anyone specific... I guess my style is a mish-mosh of every style that has ever influence me.
 
Style of music you usually listen to?
 Classical, Symphonic Metal, Hard Rock, Metal, Pop, Soft Rock... anything that isn't hardcore gangster rap, I guess.
   
What is your element and/or zodiac?
 Water... My Sun sign is Pisces, my Moon sign is Sagittarius and my Venus is Taurus. I consider one's Sun sign to be dominant, so I call myself a Pisces.

If you were a flower, what kind of flower would you consider yourself to be and why?
I would be a tiger lily... unique and out of place.

What is your favorite time of the year and why?
They all have their ups and downs... but I like Summer the best because everything is alive and flourishing. I have more energy then, like I'm in a euphoric high that whole season.

What do you believe in?
Earth is a goddess and we've fucked her up so badly, that she can no longer tolerate mankind, and will destroy us if we don't start changing how we do things. What, you think I'm crazy? Take a look around. She isn't happy.

What do you think is the most important thing/person in your life?
There are so many people and things in my life that I just couldn't live without... I couldn't possibly choose one over the other. If I make a list, it will be endless.

The Acheans are coming, the Acheans are coming!!!

I'm procrastinating... I have an English test to study for and a World History project to start, but I find them both boring. I'm not sure if I've rambled about this yet, but we just got done reading The Odyssey in English. It's a great story, honestly, but the way it's written makes it seem so freakin BORNING. Ughhh. The epic poem has been reduced to a mass of words that barely make any sense, and the teachers expect us to understand it all when we fall asleep just after reading two pages.

I miss To Kill A Mockingbird and Twelve Angry Men. Those were amazing. Romeo and Juliet made me want to cry, because I already knew how the story went. Lord of the Flies... worst story ever. It was the exact opposite of The Odyssey, written beautifully, but the story itself was terrible. I appreciated the symbolism and the depth to the story, but I didn't really agree with the author's view points that much. Yes, human beings are evil, but not naturally so. We're only like that because we give fear a place of power within our minds, which is the root of evil... At least, that's how I see it.

Good Soldier

Awhile ago, perhaps it was December, a friend of mine sent me a song. It wasn't just any song. It was a song that reminded me so much of myself, I wanted to hunt down the group that performed it and demanded to know how they got inside my head and transformed its contents into a song.

I found the song again today... it still applies to me. I guess I don't change much. It's like I'm a broken record, doomed to play the same notes over and over until someone breaks me and throws me in the garbage.

Here are the lyrics. It's "Good Soldier" by Flobots:

"Today you don't have to be a soldier
Don't have to be a soldier, stand down
It's okay to be as you were
Be as you were again

Is it a scheme, is it a vision
Is it a dream, is it a nightmare
Or is it a competition and if it is
What if we don't fight fair?

What's bald in the morning
But in the evening has white hairs?
What's the cause of global warming
And could it be these things right here?

I've got an idea that might not reach
Anyone for another light year
Got a hit-list and a cloud of
Witnesses which is pricier

Well, my tears are mightier
Than my fears so mighty Earth
Provides me hurt that I keep buried
Until I convert it to writing

I was wounded, I was injured
I was made to move to Denver
I was taken through a new adventure
Paint stripped from it's first fixture

I was placed in another picture
I was rushed to a new landscape
And ripped away from family
Scraped into a politician's mistake

And what's left of talents in chests beneath oceans
Welled up behind eyelids has yet to be salvaged
A world of emotions, a guess that it might be okay
That it could be all right if expressed

Today you don't have to be a soldier
Don't have to be a soldier, stand down
It's okay to be as you were
Be as you were again

Am I a woman raised man-machine
Damaging everything I touch?
By not caring enough
Or too much?

Am I a far flung fantasy
Setting free enmity?
And making friends from enemies
And bridges for the in-betweens

For the highwayman on the low road
The tired back with a large load
The trials spanned till I found hope
And I found more when I slo-mo'ed

Enough of the back to face front
Let those in the pack of the race run
I'm needing an evener pace one
Too hasty makes mistakes

Can you carry a song as strong as your arms
Can bear that you keep from harm?
And it will be there when you go wrong
Make a heart from your bond, your treasure's right here

And what's left of talents in chests beneath oceans
Welled up behind eyelids has yet to be salvaged
A world of emotions, a guess that it might be okay
That it could be all right if expressed today

Today you don't have to be a soldier
Don't have to be a soldier, stand down
It's okay to be as you were
Be as you were again"

I Am Free

You have nothing on me,

Nothing to drag me to your level.

I am free,

And freedom has never tasted

this good.

I will not be shoved into

your tight molds,

Fit for no one other than

plastic dolls with glazed eyes

and unrealistic proportions.

I will not kiss the boots

of your strong and mighty,

With verbal whips and strong

arms to wield them.

I embrace the slime of society.

My life depends on them,

Yours as well.

You owe every breath

you breathe to the worms

in the dirt and the birds

in the trees.

We bite the very hands

that feed us,

And the ones above us

kick us across the room

with steel toed boots.

Where’s the freedom in that?

Yet we call this a free country,

Putting it up on a pedestal

for everyone to see

and praise.

You have nothing on me,

Nothing to drag me to your level.

I am free,

And freedom has never tasted

this good.

((written by Julie Bryant)) 

I honestly don't know what to call this...

Hello there, poppets.

I'm in SUCH a good mood today. I got one of Scott Cunningham's books. Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. The library was closed today, so I went to Barns & Noble instead, to find that they have a nice little collection of tarot decks and spellbooks. Of course, all the spellbooks are on the bottom shelf and hidden from view, though. I was sitting on the floor for half an hour while I was flipping through them. They had this really cool one about animal totems and body language, but I went with Scott Cunningham instead. They also had this really awesome tarot deck I wanted, but I couldn't afford it.

Yesterday, I went to Caribou Coffee with a friend of mine and, of course, had some coffee and did some writing. Well, I did some writing. She attempted to work on a script and got bored, so we resorted to talking. It's sad... she's the only other Pagan I know personally. We must be the only two Pagans in our school... which really, really sucks, but it's easy to believe. A vast majority of the kids here are Christians or Atheists. There are lots of Hindus too, but mostly Christians and Atheists. I've yet to meet any practicing Jews or Buddhists.

By the way, if you're a coffee lover, Caribou has AMAZING mochas. Order a dark chocolate one and they'll put a chocolate covered espresso bean on top, which is heaven.

I've started working on my Claymore fanfiction again. It makes me nervous that I haven't gotten any criticism on it. I wouldn't consider fanfiction to be one of my strong points, and all I really did was alter an event that happened in the story and make up events that would follow afterwards. Oh, and I told it from Irene's point of view, even though it's mainly about Teresa. There's also some *cough* romance between them. There aren't any couples at all in the original story (except for Riful/Dauf) and, even though I'm not one for mushy love affairs, it irritated me a bit. Like... Yagi set up some situations between characters, where you were led to believe there would be some romantic affection, but one of them disappears or turns out to be a monster (Raki/Clare, Clare/Jean, Raki/Prissy, Isley/Prissy). That never really happened with Teresa and Irene, but I was led to believe that Irene had some feelings for her from the way she acted.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about... this is Claymore: 

I highly recommend it if you're a fan of medieval fantasy. Episodes 1-4 are kind of a pain, but once you find out about Teresa it gets more interesting.

[insert coughing noises here]

My mom came home with fried chicken today and I refused to eat any. She wasn't exactly happy about that.

Candle magick is strange... easy, but strange. I can feel the build up of energy within me the entire spell, but when it's over it slowly disappears and I stare into the bowl of ashes, thinking, "that's it?".

The weather is driving me insane... first it was warm and sunny, then it was rainy and cold, then just cold, and now it's warm-ish... Make up your mind already, Nature.

I think I may be coming down with something... I'm so, so tired ALL THE TIME. Tired is an understatement, I think. I can just barely get out of bed in the morning, I constantly crave sleep and I'm having short dizzy spells. And my throat feels like someone was gouging at it with sandpaper. I always get sick at this time of year... I remember that on the last day of 7th grade, I had a 102.5 fever and felt like crap, but my mom still forced me to school. I suspect it was swine flu. Last year, I had a cold on my 8th grade graduation.

Ugh... why does my mother constantly feel the need to provoke me? It was a half day at school, so I got home while she was still out running errands. I wasn't going anywhere for the rest of the day, so I got into my pajamas and cooked lunch for myself. She got home and was bitching over the fact that I was in pajamas and that the kitchen was a mess, even when she saw that I was in the process of cleaning it up. And yesterday she was yelling at me for being on the computer too long. 

Goodbye, meat

I'm re-reading the Eragon series. I don't know why, but the scene in Eldest when Arya tells Eragon the story about how that one elf sang herself into her favorite tree, after she kills her lover, always makes me sad... I wish I could do something like that... do something incredibly terrible and then make myself into something so pure and selfless. I wish I could sing, too.

I'm steadily losing weight, which makes me happy. I'm in no hurry to drop the extra pounds, so all I've really been doing is purging my diet of all the nasty, fatty things, taking long walks and occasionally doing yoga. This is my first attempt at cutting poultry out of my diet. Surprisingly, I don't miss it much. The only meat I really miss is pork... Beef? Not so much.

"Life is suffering"

I don't seek comfort that often. I'm a very independent person, and I like it that way. But it seems like when I really do, eventually, reach out to someone... when I really need that shoulder lean on... they turn a blind eye. Just a hug or kind words would suffice when I come to someone with a problem... just a "oh, honey, I'm so sorry..." But no. No one can even spare that for me. I tell someone about a tragedy or emotional struggles... and a lot of times, I barely even get a response. Just a "oh, that sucks" and they automatically change the subject.

I don't give good advice. Most of the time, I can't help you solve your problems. But I listen to them. I feel empathy. I try to understand as much as possible, so I can at least make your burden a bit more bearable. I'm ready with kind words and hugs when someone needs me. Is it too much to ask for the same thing? Just once?

Sometimes, when I do my best to make someone feel better I get shot down. I get called every name under the sun just for trying to lessen someone's burden.

Sometimes... no, a lot of times, I think of myself as the stupid, pathetic creature people see me as. A mistake that needs to crawl into a cave somewhere and die. That person who wastes precious air and space that wants to make a living off of her words and ideas.

I hope that this is just Depression rearing its ugly bald head. I hope that people really do give a shit about me. I hope that people really do appreciate me. I hope that I really am significant in this cold world of ours. 

RAWR... or something like that...

School is almost over. Gonna have to start studying for finals soon. Ughhh. My freedom will last for 4 days... then I start summer school. I don't HAVE to do it, but I'm going it anyway because I want to get Health and Consumers Ed out of the way. 3 weeks of each, from 7:30 to 12:00, and then I'm free. What I don't get is that the bus is picking me up at 6:30... WTF? Why are they making me get up so early? What am I going to do when I get there? Sit in a corner and twiddle my thumbs?

So, I've been thinking about writing a novella version of the ballad "Tam Lin". It sounds like fun...

Yes, that's Sooj singing.

I found my Rune Factory game *fangirl squeal* There's a Rune Factory 3 now... I want it...

We're all doomed, doomed, doomed...

One post before I go finish my reading for English.

I've noticed something... I've been politically unaware for about a week and a half now, and it's been one of the best weeks of my life. Ignorance really is bliss... closing your eyes to the injustice and averting your gaze from the monsters we call leaders. Now I know why people are perfectly happy not giving a damn about the world... there's so much peace in turning a blind eye.

I will stop this soon. I will go back to mentally screaming at the news and online articles... just let me drink in this ignorance a little bit long. It's intoxicating.

I need incense

"This land is your land, this land is my land

From California, to the New York island

From Grandma's tearoom, to the cellphone tower

This land was made for you and me (to enjoy and not ignore!)

Instead of sitting around on your asses going:

Oh My God! Torchwood! For hours at a freakin' time.

Save the cheerleader, and while you're at it, deliver me

from Sarah Jane Christmas tree ornaments." ~ SJ Tucker - "I'm So Sorry"

Sooj has the best lyrics, even when she's writing comedy. She has such a lovely voice too:

My dedication ritual will take place on next month's full moon. I'll basically be dedicating myself to the study of The Craft and promising to reveal what I learn only to people who have sworn to live by the Rede... I've also been considering a vow of silence about personal successes when it comes to prayers, spells, etc. I have most of the materials I need, all that's missing is incense. I was thinking about trying to make my own, but since I won't have a clue about what I'm doing, I'll try and buy some. Thinking up a Craft name for myself is difficult. I'm thinking about going with either Owleyes or Phoenixsong ... I know, I'm uncreative.

Electonica + CSO = LOVE

Yes, yes, I'm back.

I've been without internet (and computer access, for that matter) for awhile now... I tried to make a short post last Thursday at school, but my HS's network won't let me post entries.

Last Thursday was my CSO trip. It was an optional thing for my orchestra, and I decided to go. Hey, Italian food and good music? I was down for it. The bus ride to Chicago was agonizing... all of the windows were open, but it was still boiling and the bus reeked of sweat. We had dinner at Italian Village, which was awesome. They gave us this really long table where we sat and had our food. My group and I had a very interesting conversation while we were eating... we somehow went from the topic of video games, to Soviet Russia. Don't ask me how, because I have no idea. Then, we walked (or frolicked, rather) around Millennium Park.

Now, I consider myself to be a rather mature person, but if you put me outdoors with my friends, you wouldn't know it. The girls in my group all took off their shoes (except for me, because I don't wear shoes that hurt my feet) and there was lots of chasing and flailing involved. I think we were free entertainment for the people there and the rest of the kids on the trip. Oh, and I hugged some trees. I like hugging trees... they feel nice. Then we went to the CSO concert which was A-MA-ZING!! The first piece they played was a deliciously odd mix of electronica and classical music. At one point, they had a techno beat going on. And Yo-Yo Ma performed. Ohhh, he was so, so good. He's much better live than he can ever be in a recording. And he puts so much passion into his music... just amazing. The whole concert was very cello-centric too. That made me happy.

My concert is this Thursday. For once, I'm looking forward to being on stage.

I'm working on my meditation... finding the right type for me has proven to be difficult.

I'll break these chains...

I can barely keep my eyes open. I've been so, so tired lately... which is odd, because I've been getting way more sleep than usual. Maybe it's because I'm getting more sleep. I don't know. All I know is that my bags have bags, my eyes hurt, I have a massive headache, I'm physically and mentally weak and I just want to curl up somewhere and sleep for a hundred years, until the world's natural gas dries up and I get to sit on my roof and watch the world crumble at the edges and then implode.

I'm going to get a little personal today, so hang in there.

It seems like I've always had clinical depression, even though I wasn't officially diagnosed with it until I was 10-11. I've never gone through an entire school year without getting sent to the counselor at least once. I was dumped in therapist's armchair where I sat there, watching as the lady with the clipboard tried to coax my feelings out of me.

For me, there's a difference between having clinical depression, and being in a depression. Twice, I've slipped away into a pit of darkness with no one to lean on but my own demons. It's an awful, awful place and I hope that I never have to visit it again. No. I have to. It's an inevitability that I have to face it again. I dread it. 

I won't say that agnosticism destroyed me. I won't say that Christianity put a blindfold over me. I won't say Paganism saved me. Those are all just phases of my life, and Paganism is a new one. Labeling myself as an Eclectic Wiccan felt right, like the words I repeated to myself had power. "I am Pagan. I am Wiccan." The Irish and Lithuanian blood roared in my veins the first time I listened to a Wiccan chant. It was right. It was my history. It was my path.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that darkness isn't where evil dwells. Evil dwells in fear. If I face my fears, I may never have to slip into my pit again. When I face it, I will carry a lantern with me and demand to know its secrets.

Pikachu, I choose you!!!

My hair smells like lemons. I don't know why, and it's driving me insane. Not that I have anything against my hair smelling like lemons, it's just I haven't been near a lemon all day and my shampoo smells like... well... something that isn't lemon.

I'm really bad at making progress in Pokemon. It's not a hard game, but I just don't have the patience to sit there and lvl up my pokemon. I was playing Pokemon SS, and I decided to, finally, face the Elite 4. I don't look up cheats or help guides on the internet or anything, so I was expecting to have like, lvl 60 pokemon I had to beat. So I lvled the crap out of my pokemon before hand and I walk in with my lvl 62 Typhlosion... Will's first pokemon was around lvl 40. All of them were around lvl 40. I spent SO much time on a useless effort... I want my money back xD

Pokemon B/W bores me, to be honest. The graphics are way too good for a Pokemon game, and the pokemon themselves look like crap. And why does my electric pokemon know a fire-type move? It doesn't make sense D: They should make a DS remake of Pokemon Red/Blue. THAT I will buy and thoroughly enjoy. 

They finally got the bastard.

They FINALLY got him after almost 10 years of searching. Osama Bin Laden's body is off floating somewhere in the sea, his face torn apart by the wound that killed him. I can't believe I'm so happy about someone's death. Now, the 3,000 souls that were killed by his word now have justice. Bin Laden, I hope those 3,000 souls forever torment you.

We have justice for his terrible crimes, but the "War on Terror" is far from over. Alkida threatened to attack Pakistani troops, and then turn on the U.S. If anything, Bin Laden's death will fuel more terrorist attacks. Hopefully none of them will be successful. But you never know.

BELTANE!!

Merry Beltane, my dear followers.

My throat burns because I just got done choking on a piece of chocolate. I'll take some Tylenol for it later.

I realized something today. Donald Trump is an even bigger bastard than I originally thought. There are plenty of things he can do with his time and money, like contributing to cleaning up the Gulf oil spill, starving children in Africa, etc. But, of course, he's spending his time and lots of money on trying to prove that Obama wasn't born in this country. It's funny. Obama was, in fact, born in this country, but people are complaining that he wasn't. John McCain, technically, wasn't born in this country. He was born in a U.S. army base located on foreign soil. You don't see anyone fussing over that. Racists...

Girl Scout cookies contain palm oil. Palm oil comes from rain forests. Sign this: http://www.change.org/petitions/michelle-obama-girl-scouts-need-your-help

Fur is murder. So is wool:
http://www.30bananasaday.com/video/crazyy-ahhh-i-never-knew-this 

Good music is good...

Our very last orchestra concert of the year is on May 19th. Ms. Pham let us see the poster for it, and it's A-MA-ZING!! It's all colorful and prettyful and it makes you want to sit there and stare at it for a long time. I'm very happy with the songs we're doing, too. We sound so much better than we did at the beginning of the year. And all of the orchestra levels are doing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" together. Yeah, I know you're jealous... Anyway, if anyone reading this lives in the Hoffman area, you should drop by HEHS at 7 PM and check it out ;)

I've been posting a lot of videos lately... this one isn't going to be an exception D:

I've been playing Aion a lot lately, and this is very entertaining for me... Zikel was an Elyos playground back in 2009, and it's an Elyos playground now. I, a lvl 40 Asmodian sorcerer, am at the bottom of the PvP food chain.

I gave a reading to an atheist yesterday. He told me (unwillingly) that it was fairly accurate. I was very, very satisfied.

Another Inkubus Sukkubus song that isn't about vampire sex? Hell yes.

I'm a very, very stranger person. Of course I already knew that, but I seem to be getting stranger all the time. I like being different. I like taking paths in life that few have ventured on, and I like standing out in a crowd. But I also have a strong need to be understood. I find this ironic... How can anyone understand me if I always aim to be different?

The world's oil supply will run out in 100 years if we keep using it at the rate we are. Depressing, isn't it? I don't plan on having any children, but still, I feel sorry for that generation. It's not like we're going to do anything about it until it's too late, because humans are lazy.

Depressing lullabys

As depressing as it is, I love it, love it, LOVE IT!! I feel so sorry for Mordred... That lullaby has to be just as depressing, if not more so than:

Yeah, not much to say today. I'm going to finish my Biology homework (ughhh) and then go to bed. Good night, my little ducklings.

Cats, graphics and music

I have some videos to share today.

First up:

Aren't they just adorable? My cat would never be that tolerant of a bird, baby or not. She'd probably try to eat em...

Those are the REAL graphics. Oh my gawd... imagine the lag... but it's soooo pretty, so it'll be worth it. I can't believe people still play WoW when NCSoft makes such beautiful games.

I'm so glad I found this band... they're amazing.

Omnomnom...

One post before I try and get some sleep (which isn't likely... sleep hasn't come easily for me this week).

I have a mind, so I'm capable of thought. Since I'm capable of thought, I can form opinions, like all human beings. Just because your opinions may differ from mine, I won't treat you any differently unless you directly threaten me with your beliefs. I expect to be treated the same way, but unfortunately, if you have a mind, you're capable of rejecting new ideas and the people who carry them with insults. Please, don't be offended by anything I say. Just because I don't agree with something that's your whole world, doesn't mean I think less of you as a human being.

Tolerance. The whole world would be a better place if everyone had it.

What's the influence for this post? Humanity... just... humanity....

On a lighter note, Beltane is coming up, which means strawberries dipped in chocolate and may-gads (decorated wands) and flowers and warm weather (hopefully).

Bombs and Tarot Cards

I actually had an eventful school day today. There was a power outage during my seminar. It was awesome. I was working on my World History notes and then all the sudden, BAM, darkness. The girls I was hanging with before it happened were on the computers when it happened... they didn't look too happy.

We were put on soft lockdown 3rd block because of a bomb threat. They, literally, searched EVERYTHING. I was stuck in math when it happened. After the announcement about the bomb, and after my teacher searched the classroom, he whacked the board with his meter stick and said "okay kids, math is da bomb in here, alright?" We were all cracking up. There were cops everywhere too. And our principal sounded like he wanted to kill someone.

We had a pre-WW1 simulation in World History that was rather entertaining. We were all put in fictional versions of European countries and had to make certain deals with each other without starting a war. By the end of the simulation, we were all killing each other. My country (Penland) was the fictional version of Germany. I was screwed.

Lastly, I'm on a roll with my tarot card readings. I remember when I started out with them, only about 60% of my readings were true, now I can say with confidence that over 80% turn out to be true. I gave some kids in my Art + Design class some readings, and one of them suggested I should start charging for a reading. Nah, good Wiccans don't ask for money for readings. Or so I was told. Apparently it violates either the Rede or the Oradin Laws. I'm not sure about the Oradin Laws, since I haven't read them all, but I can sort of see how it fits into the Wiccan Rede and it's idea of the Threefold Law.

Just shoot me already

I'm hungry for good literature, a nice hot cappuccino and a cold and wet afternoon. But it's 11:28 PM and I have no other options left but to sleep away the dark hours and rise with the sun.

I've been neglecting my research on meditation (Goddess knows I need inner peace) with long periods of unconsciousness (aka: 4 hour naps) and unproductive scribblings of poetry and failed attempts at novels. Occasionally I'll do schoolwork. That reminds me, I have to finish a study guide for English. Ughhh, more work.

Donald Trump is an idiot. The day a modern business will be able to run a country is the day that pigs will grow wings and birds will grow curly tails. You can't run a government like a business IMO. It just doesn't work that way. 

We're really just a sick Oligarcy

I'm exhausted. I couldn't even get an hour of sleep in last night... I got to bed at 11-ish (which is early for me) and I was up all night tossing and turning. What's weird is I thought I kept hearing bells and loud beeps... but it was in my head, not in the physical realm around me. Have I officially gone insane? Probably not. I've never had any sanity.

Ughhh, I have to make up a Biology quiz tomorrow. I hate that class...

Here, have a song lyric:

"The Boy Vs. The Cynic, Chapter one, page one.
I'll start from the top...
I’ll embrace dreams again when I can breath again
And at that point I won’t be needing them
It became clear to me that I was fighting a war I couldn’t win
You don’t make it on your own merit
Only royalty inherits the kingdom
And that’s a system good intentions can’t help
Your courage is not good here so don’t try to excel
What a sad day when you realize nothing can change
The revolution didn’t leave you it never came
There will be no parades, no royal balls
Just long days topped off with last calls for alcohol
Go to sleep wake up and repeat the same routine
Smooth skin dressed with wrinkles and brown eyes
With dark rings and entertainers sing of extremes that don’t exist for you or me
When real life is reality TV no wonder our youth don’t believe in anything
It’s all a joke there are no heroes just those of us with high hopes
It’s just not that simple
I’m not trying to save it all I just want to create a ripple
And even if one individual is affected it’s monumental with an unusual perspective
That’s beautiful in essence traditional thinking won’t suggest this
Is life really that precious well yes it is
But there will be no celebrations or congratulations
No pat on the back just your mind intact
And the freedom to feel your heart beat at the speed of life
Go to sleep tonight knowing you did it right
And rest easy outside of a system that resents you for not doing what they expect you to do
Psychologically wear you down and then they make the suggestion that you get on a prescription to deal with your depression
Anxious lazy temperamental obese
That’s what money makers like to call a disease
And they’ll be looking for or creating new problems with profitable solutions
To solve them but you won’t get any better you’ll just come back for more
Until your medicine drawer is filled with unreliable cures
And that’s the way of the beast
And I can’t do nothing about it
I could shout it in a room that’s crowded but I doubt it’d make a difference
So ignorance will be my disguise cause 21st century America likes its witchcraft civilized"

Cold Betrayal

I am

the scars of

a painful past.

I am

the agony of

cold betrayal.

I am

the secret

you refused

to keep.

I am

the shadows

that call

you at night.

I am

The truth

You refuse

To tell.

I am

the nothingness

that waits

for you,

and only you.

RWJ used to be a GOD

I use to watch RWJ back when his show was about politics. I remember his rants about Sarah Palin and Rob Blagojevich's idiocy, and jokes about Obama's stimulus package. He used to be funny without having to try so hard. You know what happened to him? Ray needed a job. No one would hire him because he was considered "dangerous" because of how vocal he was about politics. Now, all of those videos are gone and have been replaced with... well...


.... that. Sad, isn't it?

Why. Why must society put a damper on brilliant minds? Rant about politics when you're not being paid to do so? "Ohh, sorry hun, we can't hire you because you're DANGEROUS." Being proud of your religion? "Ohh, sorry hun, we can't hire you because you're a RELIGIOUS FANATIC."

Like all lower-middle-class Americans, I need a job, even though I'm *only* 15. Is that going to stop me from speaking my mind? Hell no.

After all, I'm here to rant, not make friends.

~ Julie

Dead pets are the best. They don't die or break your heart.

Well, this is my first entry. This blog won't revolve around anything specific, just my random thoughts or anything that I want to talk about.

Easter is tomorrow. Am I doing anything special? Not really. My mom and I are having a "fancy" dinner. But that's it. I'm not exactly religious in the Christian aspect.

I'm frustrated. I want a RP group/buddy, but I don't want to work my ass off looking for one that shares my same interests. I don't really care who they are, just as long as they can continue an interesting story with me.

Tornadoes have destroyed my country.... part of it, anyway. Storms like that are fantastic in a terrible way. They have so much power... tossing cars through the air like toys and tearing through buildings, devouring and destroying the things inside. I sorry for the poor people who have to go through such terrible things.

I'm not here to make friends. I am here to rant.

Yours truly,
Julie