Friday, August 19, 2011

Lithium and laptops

I have a terrible habit of unknowingly suppressing emotion until it explodes inside of me. Then I'm left feeling depressed and hurt over things that happened months ago.

"I wanna stay in love with my sorrow,
But, God, I wanna let it go."

Sometimes, I think songwriters that I've never met understand me better than I do lol. Well, I'm sure that no one wants to hear me whine about things that happened in April, so lets change the subject.

School is starting on Tuesday, and I MIGHT have a reliable source of money starting September. $15 to watch a kid three days a week. It's better than nothing, right? I could put that money towards a laptop, which I desperately need. I can no longer stand sharing a computer with my mother... privacy is something that's important to me. Don't worry, I don't have disturbing files on this computer, but I hate having her breathe down my neck. The computer is in her room too, so she usually kicks me out when I'm right in the middle of something. Even if that something is writing. "You have pencils and paper, Julianna. You can use those." *rolls eyes* I dislike writing with pencils and paper because I hate my own hand writing (seriously, it looks like I tried writing with my feet) and it's just easier to do it on a computer. You don't have to scratch things out or have to worry about eraser marks getting stuck to your clothing.

Anyway, back to laptops. A Dell Precision M4600 would be amazing, but the starting price is around 1,700... by the time I get that kind of money, they'll have an improved (and more expensive) model on the market. So I guess I'll have to go with this: Asus K53


Thursday, August 18, 2011


I'm back... again. Sorry for not posting much, but I was stupid and forgot the fact that I had a blog. HURR DURR.

I was in Wisconsin all weekend for an orchestra retreat. The music I had to play for my quintet was so incredibly awful. For me, anyway. There was nothing melodic about my piece. At all. I understand that cello is nice and bassy, and perfect as a solid foundation... but damn it, Mozart. You could have at least written Diveritimento with a bit more melody for the cello/bass part. I was dying while I was playing... even on stage. The rest of the retreat was amazing and my group was hilarious. They put three redheads in the same hotel room... and the one girl who wasn't a "ginger" was complaining about having so much red hair in the shower drain. Ooops.

Oh, and an old friend of mine from Jr. High went on the retreat. It was exciting for both of us, because the last time we saw each other was December during the orchestra festival... and even then, we could only talk for a few brief moments. She kind of disturbed me... because she used to be a hardcore Democrat, but now she's a Libertarian? LOL, how does that happen? I was preached at about 2nd Amendment rights the whole first day... I eventually snapped when we were out for a snack at Culvers, and said to her face that most Libertarians are idiots (which is not like me at all, and I felt bad the next day lol... but it's kinda the truth). We then screamed at each other about politics, blissfully unaware that everyone was watching us. My oh my, have those nut jobs gotten to her... she sounds just like someone from the NRA.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I need to stop putting so many things into one post

Obviously, I haven't blogged in awhile. I wish I could day that it's because my life has been busy, but it hasn't been... just stressful. I don't want to go into too much detail.

So, I've been having these weird stomach cramps. It started on Wednesday during class. I didn't eat anything that could be bad for me the day before, and I barely had anything to eat that morning. The teacher was going over some stuff, and then my insides just decided to turn themselves into a knot. No, it wasn't menstrual cramps... trust me, I know it wasn't. I went on for an hour and a half, then it stopped and I didn't feel it again for the rest of the day... but I felt weird, like anything I ate would make me puke. And it's been going on every day since then. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant... I think I would remember losing my virginity. Could I be dying? I wouldn't mind that... that means I don't have to put up with humans anymore.

I'm going on a three-day chamber music trip to Whitewater again this year. I got my packet for it a few days ago and only three people I know are going. That means I have to be friendly with strangers... *shudders* Last year it was most definitely a step out of my comfort zone, but it was very rewarding in the end. I hope it will be like that this year. My music is fairly easy, but long... so many 8th notes. The rhythms will give me the most trouble, but nothing practice won't fix. I'm in a chamber group with two violins, a viola and a bass. Yesss!! I'm playing with a bass!! Woot woot!! I appreciate good bass players. If I can find a link to the music, I'll post it.

Hopefully, I will go to see the last HP movie soon. And my childhood will officially end.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


I'm listening to Enya at the moment. I don't know why, but her music always makes me hate reality.

So, I'm taking a math course at SHS because I wasn't happy with my 2nd semester grade for Algebra. This was my first time being in SHS and was arguably the longest day of my life. It's so big and the rooms are unorganized and everything smelled like chlorine. I go to HEHS, and going there is like going to school in a box. Everything is stacked on top of each other and, even if you're new there, it's very easy to find something without asking for directions. SHS is just confusing and doesn't follow any particular pattern. It's a lot prettier than HEHS though... inside and out.

The worst part was that I didn't know anyone there. There were some people I recognized, but no one I could run over to and act like I was their friend, just for the sake of blending in. The teacher is nice enough, but it was obvious that she was just teaching for the money and didn't really want to be there. Neither did I, which probably means we'll get along alright. 

Sunday, July 3, 2011

My ugliness

Someone I'm close to (or used to be, at any rate) whose going through what I consider a depression, told me a few days ago that he can see the ugliness in everyone. So I asked him "well, what's my ugliness?"

His answer was pride. He told me that everything I do is to show off, to make myself a center of attention. Being vegetarian, being Wiccan, being vocal about politics... in his eyes, I only do it for attention. This tells me just how much people misunderstand me. People who barely know me don't give me much attention, because they think I don't want it... people that I really open up to say I'm just constantly seeking. Neither is the case. Attention is nice, I won't deny that... but I don't constantly seek it either. I don't hide what I am for attention, I just want people to see me as me... the real me.

About the pride part... yes, I am very prideful. Not about what I do, but rather who I am and the freedom to be that person. Is that such a bad thing?

My real ugliness isn't pride. No, it's envy. Not just jealousy, down right envy... hatred of someone because they posses something I don't. I don't mean petty possessions, I could care less about those. I mean talents and personalities and lives. There are talents that I would die for, and lives that I would kill to have.