Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I Am Free

You have nothing on me,
Nothing to drag me to your level.
I am free,
And freedom has never tasted
this good.

I will not be shoved into
your tight molds,
Fit for no one other than
plastic dolls with glazed eyes
and unrealistic proportions.

I will not kiss the boots
of your strong and mighty,
With verbal whips and strong
arms to wield them.

I embrace the slime of society.
My life depends on them,
Yours as well.
You owe every breath
you breathe to the worms
in the dirt and the birds
in the trees.

We bite the very hands
that feed us,
And the ones above us
kick us across the room
with steel toed boots.

Where’s the freedom in that?
Yet we call this a free country,
Putting it up on a pedestal
for everyone to see
and praise.

You have nothing on me,
Nothing to drag me to your level.
I am free,
And freedom has never tasted
this good.

((written by Julie Bryant)) 

Monday, May 30, 2011

I honestly don't know what to call this...

Hello there, poppets.

I'm in SUCH a good mood today. I got one of Scott Cunningham's books. Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. The library was closed today, so I went to Barns & Noble instead, to find that they have a nice little collection of tarot decks and spellbooks. Of course, all the spellbooks are on the bottom shelf and hidden from view, though. I was sitting on the floor for half an hour while I was flipping through them. They had this really cool one about animal totems and body language, but I went with Scott Cunningham instead. They also had this really awesome tarot deck I wanted, but I couldn't afford it.

Yesterday, I went to Caribou Coffee with a friend of mine and, of course, had some coffee and did some writing. Well, I did some writing. She attempted to work on a script and got bored, so we resorted to talking. It's sad... she's the only other Pagan I know personally. We must be the only two Pagans in our school... which really, really sucks, but it's easy to believe. A vast majority of the kids here are Christians or Atheists. There are lots of Hindus too, but mostly Christians and Atheists. I've yet to meet any practicing Jews or Buddhists.

By the way, if you're a coffee lover, Caribou has AMAZING mochas. Order a dark chocolate one and they'll put a chocolate covered espresso bean on top, which is heaven.

I've started working on my Claymore fanfiction again. It makes me nervous that I haven't gotten any criticism on it. I wouldn't consider fanfiction to be one of my strong points, and all I really did was alter an event that happened in the story and make up events that would follow afterwards. Oh, and I told it from Irene's point of view, even though it's mainly about Teresa. There's also some *cough* romance between them. There aren't any couples at all in the original story (except for Riful/Dauf) and, even though I'm not one for mushy love affairs, it irritated me a bit. Like... Yagi set up some situations between characters, where you were led to believe there would be some romantic affection, but one of them disappears or turns out to be a monster (Raki/Clare, Clare/Jean, Raki/Prissy, Isley/Prissy). That never really happened with Teresa and Irene, but I was led to believe that Irene had some feelings for her from the way she acted.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about... this is Claymore: 

I highly recommend it if you're a fan of medieval fantasy. Episodes 1-4 are kind of a pain, but once you find out about Teresa it gets more interesting.

Friday, May 27, 2011

[insert coughing noises here]

My mom came home with fried chicken today and I refused to eat any. She wasn't exactly happy about that.

Candle magick is strange... easy, but strange. I can feel the build up of energy within me the entire spell, but when it's over it slowly disappears and I stare into the bowl of ashes, thinking, "that's it?".

The weather is driving me insane... first it was warm and sunny, then it was rainy and cold, then just cold, and now it's warm-ish... Make up your mind already, Nature.

I think I may be coming down with something... I'm so, so tired ALL THE TIME. Tired is an understatement, I think. I can just barely get out of bed in the morning, I constantly crave sleep and I'm having short dizzy spells. And my throat feels like someone was gouging at it with sandpaper. I always get sick at this time of year... I remember that on the last day of 7th grade, I had a 102.5 fever and felt like crap, but my mom still forced me to school. I suspect it was swine flu. Last year, I had a cold on my 8th grade graduation.

Ugh... why does my mother constantly feel the need to provoke me? It was a half day at school, so I got home while she was still out running errands. I wasn't going anywhere for the rest of the day, so I got into my pajamas and cooked lunch for myself. She got home and was bitching over the fact that I was in pajamas and that the kitchen was a mess, even when she saw that I was in the process of cleaning it up. And yesterday she was yelling at me for being on the computer too long. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Goodbye, meat

I'm re-reading the Eragon series. I don't know why, but the scene in Eldest when Arya tells Eragon the story about how that one elf sang herself into her favorite tree, after she kills her lover, always makes me sad... I wish I could do something like that... do something incredibly terrible and then make myself into something so pure and selfless. I wish I could sing, too.

I'm steadily losing weight, which makes me happy. I'm in no hurry to drop the extra pounds, so all I've really been doing is purging my diet of all the nasty, fatty things, taking long walks and occasionally doing yoga. This is my first attempt at cutting poultry out of my diet. Surprisingly, I don't miss it much. The only meat I really miss is pork... Beef? Not so much.

Monday, May 23, 2011

"Life is suffering"

I don't seek comfort that often. I'm a very independent person, and I like it that way. But it seems like when I really do, eventually, reach out to someone... when I really need that shoulder lean on... they turn a blind eye. Just a hug or kind words would suffice when I come to someone with a problem... just a "oh, honey, I'm so sorry..." But no. No one can even spare that for me. I tell someone about a tragedy or emotional struggles... and a lot of times, I barely even get a response. Just a "oh, that sucks" and they automatically change the subject.

I don't give good advice. Most of the time, I can't help you solve your problems. But I listen to them. I feel empathy. I try to understand as much as possible, so I can at least make your burden a bit more bearable. I'm ready with kind words and hugs when someone needs me. Is it too much to ask for the same thing? Just once?

Sometimes, when I do my best to make someone feel better I get shot down. I get called every name under the sun just for trying to lessen someone's burden.

Sometimes... no, a lot of times, I think of myself as the stupid, pathetic creature people see me as. A mistake that needs to crawl into a cave somewhere and die. That person who wastes precious air and space that wants to make a living off of her words and ideas.

I hope that this is just Depression rearing its ugly bald head. I hope that people really do give a shit about me. I hope that people really do appreciate me. I hope that I really am significant in this cold world of ours. 

Sunday, May 22, 2011

RAWR... or something like that...

School is almost over. Gonna have to start studying for finals soon. Ughhh. My freedom will last for 4 days... then I start summer school. I don't HAVE to do it, but I'm going it anyway because I want to get Health and Consumers Ed out of the way. 3 weeks of each, from 7:30 to 12:00, and then I'm free. What I don't get is that the bus is picking me up at 6:30... WTF? Why are they making me get up so early? What am I going to do when I get there? Sit in a corner and twiddle my thumbs?

So, I've been thinking about writing a novella version of the ballad "Tam Lin". It sounds like fun...

Yes, that's Sooj singing.

I found my Rune Factory game *fangirl squeal* There's a Rune Factory 3 now... I want it...

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

We're all doomed, doomed, doomed...

One post before I go finish my reading for English.

I've noticed something... I've been politically unaware for about a week and a half now, and it's been one of the best weeks of my life. Ignorance really is bliss... closing your eyes to the injustice and averting your gaze from the monsters we call leaders. Now I know why people are perfectly happy not giving a damn about the world... there's so much peace in turning a blind eye.

I will stop this soon. I will go back to mentally screaming at the news and online articles... just let me drink in this ignorance a little bit long. It's intoxicating.

I need incense

"This land is your land, this land is my land
From California, to the New York island
From Grandma's tearoom, to the cellphone tower
This land was made for you and me (to enjoy and not ignore!)
Instead of sitting around on your asses going:
Oh My God! Torchwood! For hours at a freakin' time.
Save the cheerleader, and while you're at it, deliver me
from Sarah Jane Christmas tree ornaments." ~ SJ Tucker - "I'm So Sorry"

Sooj has the best lyrics, even when she's writing comedy. She has such a lovely voice too:

My dedication ritual will take place on next month's full moon. I'll basically be dedicating myself to the study of The Craft and promising to reveal what I learn only to people who have sworn to live by the Rede... I've also been considering a vow of silence about personal successes when it comes to prayers, spells, etc. I have most of the materials I need, all that's missing is incense. I was thinking about trying to make my own, but since I won't have a clue about what I'm doing, I'll try and buy some. Thinking up a Craft name for myself is difficult. I'm thinking about going with either Owleyes or Phoenixsong ... I know, I'm uncreative.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Electonica + CSO = LOVE

Yes, yes, I'm back.

I've been without internet (and computer access, for that matter) for awhile now... I tried to make a short post last Thursday at school, but my HS's network won't let me post entries.

Last Thursday was my CSO trip. It was an optional thing for my orchestra, and I decided to go. Hey, Italian food and good music? I was down for it. The bus ride to Chicago was agonizing... all of the windows were open, but it was still boiling and the bus reeked of sweat. We had dinner at Italian Village, which was awesome. They gave us this really long table where we sat and had our food. My group and I had a very interesting conversation while we were eating... we somehow went from the topic of video games, to Soviet Russia. Don't ask me how, because I have no idea. Then, we walked (or frolicked, rather) around Millennium Park.

Now, I consider myself to be a rather mature person, but if you put me outdoors with my friends, you wouldn't know it. The girls in my group all took off their shoes (except for me, because I don't wear shoes that hurt my feet) and there was lots of chasing and flailing involved. I think we were free entertainment for the people there and the rest of the kids on the trip. Oh, and I hugged some trees. I like hugging trees... they feel nice. Then we went to the CSO concert which was A-MA-ZING!! The first piece they played was a deliciously odd mix of electronica and classical music. At one point, they had a techno beat going on. And Yo-Yo Ma performed. Ohhh, he was so, so good. He's much better live than he can ever be in a recording. And he puts so much passion into his music... just amazing. The whole concert was very cello-centric too. That made me happy.

My concert is this Thursday. For once, I'm looking forward to being on stage.

I'm working on my meditation... finding the right type for me has proven to be difficult.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I'll break these chains...

I can barely keep my eyes open. I've been so, so tired lately... which is odd, because I've been getting way more sleep than usual. Maybe it's because I'm getting more sleep. I don't know. All I know is that my bags have bags, my eyes hurt, I have a massive headache, I'm physically and mentally weak and I just want to curl up somewhere and sleep for a hundred years, until the world's natural gas dries up and I get to sit on my roof and watch the world crumble at the edges and then implode.

I'm going to get a little personal today, so hang in there.

It seems like I've always had clinical depression, even though I wasn't officially diagnosed with it until I was 10-11. I've never gone through an entire school year without getting sent to the counselor at least once. I was dumped in therapist's armchair where I sat there, watching as the lady with the clipboard tried to coax my feelings out of me.

For me, there's a difference between having clinical depression, and being in a depression. Twice, I've slipped away into a pit of darkness with no one to lean on but my own demons. It's an awful, awful place and I hope that I never have to visit it again. No. I have to. It's an inevitability that I have to face it again. I dread it. 

I won't say that agnosticism destroyed me. I won't say that Christianity put a blindfold over me. I won't say Paganism saved me. Those are all just phases of my life, and Paganism is a new one. Labeling myself as an Eclectic Wiccan felt right, like the words I repeated to myself had power. "I am Pagan. I am Wiccan." The Irish and Lithuanian blood roared in my veins the first time I listened to a Wiccan chant. It was right. It was my history. It was my path.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that darkness isn't where evil dwells. Evil dwells in fear. If I face my fears, I may never have to slip into my pit again. When I face it, I will carry a lantern with me and demand to know its secrets.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Pikachu, I choose you!!!

My hair smells like lemons. I don't know why, and it's driving me insane. Not that I have anything against my hair smelling like lemons, it's just I haven't been near a lemon all day and my shampoo smells like... well... something that isn't lemon.

I'm really bad at making progress in Pokemon. It's not a hard game, but I just don't have the patience to sit there and lvl up my pokemon. I was playing Pokemon SS, and I decided to, finally, face the Elite 4. I don't look up cheats or help guides on the internet or anything, so I was expecting to have like, lvl 60 pokemon I had to beat. So I lvled the crap out of my pokemon before hand and I walk in with my lvl 62 Typhlosion... Will's first pokemon was around lvl 40. All of them were around lvl 40. I spent SO much time on a useless effort... I want my money back xD

Pokemon B/W bores me, to be honest. The graphics are way too good for a Pokemon game, and the pokemon themselves look like crap. And why does my electric pokemon know a fire-type move? It doesn't make sense D: They should make a DS remake of Pokemon Red/Blue. THAT I will buy and thoroughly enjoy. 

Monday, May 2, 2011

They finally got the bastard.

They FINALLY got him after almost 10 years of searching. Osama Bin Laden's body is off floating somewhere in the sea, his face torn apart by the wound that killed him. I can't believe I'm so happy about someone's death. Now, the 3,000 souls that were killed by his word now have justice. Bin Laden, I hope those 3,000 souls forever torment you.

We have justice for his terrible crimes, but the "War on Terror" is far from over. Alkida threatened to attack Pakistani troops, and then turn on the U.S. If anything, Bin Laden's death will fuel more terrorist attacks. Hopefully none of them will be successful. But you never know.